Scratch Post

15 June 2010

[Self] Worst Massage Ever vs Weirdest Massage Ever

I trace my fondness for massage from the time I worked in this CRM company that sent me to Thailand for some months, where having a massage is as normal as yamcha. Since then, I enjoy a massage where ever I go to, and you tend to notice the differences based on the culture / philosophy of massage based on the country you go to.

For example - massage in Thailand is focused more on soothing the muscles and relaxation thru kneading; while massage by mainlanders are focused on the 'kin' (nerves) and they don't hesitate to dispense a dose (or two) of pain as they plough through the toxins and clear up your 'chi' in the nerves.

Usually a good session allows you to leave invigorated and you wash away the weariness of the day. But you also get the bad ones. Of which, there have been 2 noteworthy.

Let's start with the weirdest massage ever: The Saudi Massage by a Filipino Dude.

Working in Saudi was stressful in very different ways and for a variety of reasons. With ultratight shoulders and being dead tired, I one day stumbled into a gym near the E/// MUKSA office that offered massages. So I go in there, a guy (from Morocco) talks to me in a mixture of Arabic and English and through sign language and rapid hand gestures mainly I know I am supposed to go into some room.

And I open the door and lie down on some platform thing. Then, a Filipino dude comes up. He speaks English. I feel relieved at least someone does speak the same language. Filipino dude instructs me to lie on my stomach, and I do so. Then, he takes a glove from this box, and begins the massage. At first I go ... "huh a glove??", and wonder what the hell is going on. And as the latex makes contact with my back it just felt so weird I was paralyzed with surprise (or maybe some latex allergy reaction). The paralysis gave way to some pathetic rationalization - Ah well I am in Saudi after all so maybe that’s the standard here … but still it felt damn weird after 50 mins.

So imagine this weird layer of latex, being consistently applied to your body in a weird motion (the massage was bad by the way), and the occasional massage oil is clumsily rubbed over the body. …. I guess the closest analogy I can give is I now know what it feels like being "Hong Kong - Chee Cheong Fun" (this is that flat noodle thing that is steamed and the hawker uses some paintbrush to dab some oil on it, and then uses some metallic piece to scrap the flat noodle off a cloth).

For having 5 fingers wrapped in latex rubbed on me once in a while, it cost me 80 Riyals (approx 80 Ringgit) and was totally not worth it! Weird, damn damn damn weird and not worth it!! This experience alone gave me massage phobia in Saudi for the rest of my duration of stay there for many many months.

And now, for the Worst Massage Ever: 1 Month ago in Jakarta @Jalan Mahakam

Massage in Indo (Jakarta) is overall OK and cheaper than KL. There’s this weird thing about using deck chairs but it is still decent.

So far it has been good, but I do regret ever having this instance of massage one “fine” day when I returned from work feeling exhausted, so I decided to try out this place barely 100m from the hotel.

It’s a weird place that combines a bakery, a Japanese restaurant and a massage place in the same building. Anyway, over here in Jakarta you are clothed, and the masseur dude will start with the legs. The leg was decent and took the longest time I guess it’s a good way to run the clock down.

Then came the back massage. It started with the dude standing on his legs but he has to bend as he exerts pressure from the neck down thru the spine and down to the bottom à that’s still OK no issue.

Then came the part where the dude climbs onto the deckchair, and squats over you as another kind of back massage style is applied. This is quite normal and in most circumstances, a guy like me would have no issue. EXCEPT there were these factors that combined together:

- Dude was wearing some kind of standard uniform where the shorts are of the loose type

- It was a dude, not a woman

So the dude is squatting over me, and I feel something. Then a few seconds later, I feel something again, and again. And a few more seconds again! Massage patterns are iterative and then to my regret came round 2. If round 1 I was caught completely unaware, in round 2 I was trying to avoid contact by wriggling around to avoid contact with the dude’s balls (yes, it was balls). I even contemplated running out screaming like a madman.

I was exhausted when I went into the massage place, and I was violated, shaken and deeply disturbed as I stumbled out of the place. The exhaustion was completed drained out of me, as was any other kind of feeling & emotion. Deeply scarred I was for several days after!!

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